My Rediscovery of Me

I’m sitting in bed, preparing for settling down and taking off.

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I just had a nice chill-and-talk session with my roommate and it really hit me how thankful I am for her. She’s amazing and inspiring and I’m really thankful for her presence in my life.

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Today (yesterday) was a good day. I’m proud of this accomplishment: I scheduled an appointment for an annual physical for Wednesday morning and for a checkup/probable root canal at a dentist Saturday. Tomorrow (today) I’m calling a gynecologist a coworker recommended to try to set up this year’s pap and STD/HIV testing. My eyes were checked in April. My next kidney checkup is next April. I think that’s all the health stuff.

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Oh, I think I have less than $200 left on my medical bills from early this year. That’s good. Now if only I could get a handle on the rest of my cash.

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Cramps. How many of us have them? Cramps.

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Ever since my cat Sara died in February, I regularly check to see if the boys are alive. (They sleep a lot.) Yesterday, I damn near fainted. Naj and Z were cuddled up on top of a chest in my bedroom. [Not of a human. ] Naji was in front, in a ball. Zaki was behind him, laying in the same position I found Sara’s body in. I didn’t see his body moving. I touched him. Naji looked up instead, with what I convinced myself were sad eyes. I started to imagine too much. I pushed Zaki. His head shot up, he yawned and I thanked him and the universe for his breath.

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And my breath. Thank you, universe.

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I think I’m ready to become another person’s Big Sis and to be open about it with the almost-10-year-old in Wichita.

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Wichita.

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I got a couple of days around New Year’s off. I’m hoping Nic and I can spend a bunch of time together. I miss her a lot and could always use one of her hugs.

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Inspired by my friend Talia, I think I’ll send holiday/New Year/I Miss You cards again this year — after a two-year break. (Last and only time was in 2008.) If you’d like one, use the contact page and send me your address, please. If you’re still waiting for a letter from me, you’ll get that soon. I promise. Intense year.

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Intense living. Simultaneously, quite calm.

Today is the first day I’ve had mostly to myself. It’s the first day I’ve had to think, to really meditate before fully waking, to process some changes and additions to my life and my mindset, to listen to music and watch TV for as long as I wanted.

One of my sisters was in town for Thanksgiving. She got in Tuesday, left Saturday. We talked, cooked, played Phase 10, went to the movies. She met the guy I’m dating. We Skyped with Mom. It was cool.

And so, yeah, I’m seeing someone. Let’s call him S.D. We met on OKC. His first message to me was: “I’m not shy! What did you do to your kidneys??? *kidneyHugz* the moon knows.” I thought it was an appropriately random response to my profile. We exchanged a few messages and met for tea. Afterward, on the train to work, I wrote in my journal:

“I just had a great date. A first date. Tea and laughter with [S.D.], 29. He seems to be equal parts geek and dreamer. I was really comfortable. We talked about websites, about meditation, work, dancing, hypocrisy, drawing, photography. He’s funny and awkward and so considerate. After he walked me to the subway, we made plans for our next date. Tonight. After work. We’ll see a movie or two.”

A photo he took of me on our first date.

We’ve spent a lot of time together. This morning, he boarded a plane to St. Thomas, where he (before we met) has accepted a job. He called when he landed.

So I don’t know what’s going to happen. He’s sweet and amazingly smart and he says things like “I don’t think in language” that I’m really happy about. He’s a good hand-holder. He’s also a fan of awful puns (he told Zaki, one of the cats, that he would do well in a spilling bee). And he just might teach me to worry a little less, which — even if nothing else happens — will be more than I could’ve asked for.

Work is going well. I’m noting a few places where I need to learn and I’m trying to carve out space for that learning to occur.

I’m not writing as much as I’d like to, but I’m trying to take more pictures when I can.

Something I did write:

I have so much in me; come and see.

I’m always amazed at how much (so very much) I can miss so many places and so, so many inspiring people and still feel like I’m right where I should be.

Stomachache.
Cold feet.
Too many thoughts.

“I was born in the middle of the night. It’s still when I feel most alive.”

[I went home last weekend, from Saturday morning to Tuesday morning. I'm still processing a few things from the trip and from before and from after, so I haven't been ready to write or talk or call people I need to call and so on. I'll try to write short updates in the next few days, though, so we can start to catch up.]

He and I:

• Sat on a bench in a park and drank coffee.
• Wondered whether trees could be sexy and, upon deciding so, debated which tree was the sexiest. (We agreed to disagree.)
• Wondered whether the lone branch without leaves on an otherwise very leafy tree was comfortable with being the first and whether the other branches, which still had leaves, kept asking it for advice.
• Sat in a butterfly garden and saw no butterflies.
• Later, when no longer in the butterfly garden, saw a butterfly and told it we admired its disregard for borders.
• Sat in silence and then talked around any lingering feelings.
• Rolled down a hill. (He says I kept getting too much air so it looked more like I was bouncing instead of rolling. I have a bruise on my arm.)
• Didn’t have time to say goodbye.

Text from one of my sisters: “There is a girl wearing a red feather boa on the train. Made me think of you. ”

Response from me: “DID YOU WARN HER?”

I ate a hamburger.

(Typing on my phone.)

I’m sitting up in bed, somewhat tired but not wanting to sleep.

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I started my new work schedule this week. I also had more new responsibilities thrown my way. My sisters told me that that was a good thing. Is it? Anyway, I had Sunday off and will work through Friday. Then I’m going home for the weekend.

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Home.

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It snowed. Every time I want to add “in OCTOBER!” to the end of that, I’m reminded of the snowstorm I got stuck in in Colorado last year.

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Mr. Goodburger called. We learned that neither of us has ever dressed up for Halloween. “My problem with costumes is that I really like being myself,” I told him. I hadn’t really realized until then that I had such a view on costuming.

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If I close my eyes and picture a partner’s arm around mine, I see a woman’s arm. I’m trying to figure out if that means anything, if it changes my understanding of my sexuality.

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I finished Rilla of Ingleside, the last AoGG book. “God himself cannot make two hills without a hollow between them, as I have heard it said, but that is no reason why we should not take the good of the hills when we are on them.”

One day, I’ll write more about this series, about how much I love it (despite the moments of racism and xenophobia and the sometimes excessively flowery, too deeply descriptive language). I’ll maybe even start that Tumblr I joked about.

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It’s November. 2011 is nearing its end and I don’t know what to make of it. What a sad, happy, hurtful, busy, amazing, enlightening year this has been.

A year of yearning and fulfillment.

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I didn’t realize just how often it is that I pray each day until sometime last week.

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One of my sisters was in town this weekend. The plan was for her to help me organize my apartment better. We didn’t do that at all.

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I got a box from Katie, John, Lori and Josh in Wichita! I miss them so much.

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Other things on my mind: Fancy pants, Nic, home, my hair has gotten pretty long, the lenses of my glasses keep falling out, should I be sleeping?, cheez-its, my health, calling the Memphis branch of the kidney organization to see if I can get my brothers screened while I’m home, doctors’ bills, armpit hair, awful sexual humor that I adore.

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“Laziza” means “tastes great” or “nice” in Arabic. That brand name is false advertising.