My Rediscovery of Me

I posted these to Flickr today.

I’m at the Regency Inn in West Plains, Missouri, with the cats. Mississippi tomorrow!

This tree is right outside of my doctor’s office. It makes me smile. I especially like those two branches on the right that curve back into the tree. And those stubborn leaves, dead but un-gone.

For the past hour, I’ve been cleaning my apartment.

And liking it.

What the bananas is happening to me?

I felt at peace while cleaning the cats’ litter box.

I was humming as I rearranged boxes in the storage area.

I was singing along to Ani — “you’re my seeing eye dog, and I am blind.” — as I cleaned off counters and fixed bookshelves.

I’m not complaining because I feel good. I’m just wondering what’s going on.

–

I also cleared off my chalkboard to-do list and sectioned off the bottom half of it for keeping track of bills. Four columns: Bill, Amount, Due Date, Paid?. I’ve been looking for an efficient system for months. I’m not a spreadsheet, receipt-keeping, organized person. This will be a constant reminder. It will also be on display for anyone in my apartment, I guess, but whatever. We all have bills.

–

Speaking of other bodies in my apartment, the friend I mentioned a few posts ago is moving in. Tomorrow.

My main concerns:

• I’m really messy. That won’t change.
• I buy the least amount of groceries possible.
• I need hours and hours and hours of time alone each week. (He’s pretty talkative. Also, I live in an open, no-privacy-unless-you’re-in-the-bathroom loft.)
• It’s getting warmer. I plan to walk around with fewer and fewer articles of clothing on.
• Speaking of which, when summer hits and it’s 100-degrees outside, I probably won’t turn the AC on b/c I love that shit.
• I wake up at 5 a.m. during the work week. I watch television online or sing along to country music/Adele/Ani/Regina for the first four hours of my day, every day.
• In a week, I’m driving to Mississippi for a week.

That’s a lot of “main concerns,” I guess. But.

We’ll see how it goes.

–

From that thing I’m writing that I kind of like:

As I lay(lie?) in a too-wide-for-me-alone bed, I would trace the outline of your body, so close to my body, you on your back, your legs in v-formation, stretched, overpowering the overwhelming nothingness that for so long existed right there.

You, a lighter sleeper than I am, wake to my fingers resting on your hips, notice our bodies touching in no other places and slide easily into my big spoon. I wake after you’ve settled, your hair now in my mouth, my nose against your neck.

Naturally, you smell of human, untouched by lab-developed odors, wholesomely, the scent of honesty, an intoxicant.

Spent, sleep comes easily, soon.

–

My hair has been extra dry lately. But it’s getting longer. Today:

I never wear my hair up. I need to experiment.

–

*Title of this post is from an Ani D. song.

RIP Gabrielle Bouliane

I just got off the phone with my youngest brother. In many ways, he is the male version of me. That’s awesome.

He’s a better artist, though. That’s also awesome.

He drew the picture below, based off a photograph of our two brothers that I took a few years ago.

Until then: