My Rediscovery of Me

imagine all the
imaginations left to
collect years of dust

we’ve grown to accept
intangible connections
to fill hunger’s void

spring’s delights remain
overshadowed by the still
dissolving winter

burned like incensed hearts
like orgasmic suns in heat
the warmth we create

mantra: don’t let love
leave you longing for losing
faith in miracles

I am nobody
who could ever afford to
question my self-worth

Maybe it’s time for a somewhat real update, too.

I was home for four days. Things that happened or didn’t:

• I barely saw my father. Maybe 10 minutes total.
• I led a workshop for high school journalism students.
• I dropped and broke my iPad 1 — and then bought an iPad 2 that my brother found on Craigslist.
• I went to an Alpha probate. Now both of my baby brothers are in the same frat.
• My brother gave me a drawing he made off a picture I took. It’s becoming a yearly thing. I love it. Another brother gave me some Moleskin notepads.
• I fell (back) in love with a man I shouldn’t be loving right now. I adore my heart very much but do not understand it.
• I didn’t see the couple of friends I’d planned to see.
• I had lunch with my high school newspaper adviser. I love her more than anything.
• I helped a friend get through a breakup.
• I repeated “I never knew there were so many shades of green.”

Work has been all right. I’m still exhausted. I found out I’m doing a short stint in another department — the multimedia team — starting April 16. I’ll be there three days a week, working days, and then work a swing shift on Thursday and a night shift on Friday. And I just picked up an OT shift for 4/28. But still work is good. I’m doing fun stuff and I’m learning, and I’m surrounded by good people.

There’s a new building going up right next door my apartment, right outside my bedroom wall, the bedroom wall my bed is right up against. The work starts at 8 a.m. Monday through Friday. For the past few weeks. This hasn’t helped the exhaustion.

“Broke, but don’t fix it / Smoked, but not brisket” — I was on the train and wrote that. It makes me giggle.

I saw “Bully” tonight, right after work. It made me think of the girl who led most of my bullying/teasing growing up. She now posts about God and Jesus a lot on Facebook. Sometimes, she tells me she misses me.

After searching the web for months, I found and bought an armchair that I really like. I look at it now (it’s been here maybe two weeks) and the cats have already torn away at it.

I’m going to watch the Internet now.

hunger and heartache,
overwork and lost causes:
what does enough mean?

alternately, as I posted on Twitter:

ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha oh oh ha

get some rest, you said
‘I’ll wake you up with my tongue
when the morning comes’

I do love love but
fuck your honeymoon stages
if that’s all you’ve got